for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
