Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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