I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
