i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
