Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
