your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
