Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
