I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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