My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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