My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
