This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize