I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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