made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
