the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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