I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He shit in the fireplace
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