I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
