yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
