you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My cat gives me a boner
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
