i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
