You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
