I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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