Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
