Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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