Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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