Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
