So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
