he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish I only lived at night.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
