if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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