and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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