He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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