I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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