i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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