how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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