moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
