It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
