I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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