On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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