now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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