Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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