The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
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