Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
