Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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