my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
