I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
