and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
