Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
