Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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