May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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