is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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