So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
BRING THE BAGELS
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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