Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
