So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
