She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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