____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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