she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
