Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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