He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
