Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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