Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
