I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
